▇█▇▆200分▄▃▂▁征集英文笑话啦▁▂▃▄200分▅▆▇▇█

1.Good Question

The librarian went over to the small, noisy boy. "Please be quiet!" she admonished. "The people near you can't read!"

"They can't?" the lad said inquisitively. "Then what are they doing here?"

妙问

图书管理员走到不安静的小男孩身边。“请安静！”她告诫道。“你周围的人看不了书！”

“看不了？”小孩好奇地问道。“那他们在这儿干什么？”

An Energetic wife

Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbour : Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I… I happened to be inside the coat.

精力旺盛的妻子

邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？

丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。

邻居：你的大衣？扔大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？

丈夫：我……我恰好也在大衣里面。

3.A Satisfactory Substitute

A neighbor boy knocked at the door.

"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, but Timmy is taking his nap," Timmy's mother replied.

"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play?" he inquired hopefully.

满意的替换

邻居的男孩敲门。

“蒂米能出来和我玩吗？”他问道。

“对不起，蒂米正睡午觉呢，”蒂米的妈妈答道。

“那蒂米的新自行车能出来玩吗？”他满怀希望地问道。

4. More Experienced

"Your Honor," the accused hit-and-run driver's lawyer pleaded, "that man who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."

"If experience is the issue here, " the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years.

更是老手

“大人，”被告逃逸司机的律师辩护说，“那个受伤的人一定是自己粗心。我的当事人是一个有20多年驾龄的老手。”

“如果这里的问题在于经验的话，”另一位律师说，“我的当事人已有了50多年的走龄。”

5. Not Difficult

The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up. Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.

His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.

"That's easy, " he replied, "you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by."

一点不难

打野鸭的猎手一连几小时等着野鸭露面。终于一只孤鸭飞了过来。除了一个灌了一瓶威士忌的人，别人都没打中。

同伴问他究竟是怎么射中的。

“一点儿不难，”他答道，“当那么一大群飞过时，你总能打到点什么。”

6.Vice-president

A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted, "Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."

Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife. He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.

"Which kind? " was the reply. "Fresh or dried? "

副总裁

刚被提升为副总裁的丈夫向妻子大吹大擂，妻子终于反驳道：“副总裁一毛钱买一打。你看超级市场里甚至有一名负责李子的副总裁呢。”

恼怒的丈夫立即给超级市场打电话，准备驳斥妻子。他要求与负责李子的副总裁通话。

“管哪方面的？”对方答道。“鲜货还是干货？”

7.Smart Customer

The butcher placed his last roast on the scale. "That'll be $ 3.95, " he told the customer.

"That one's too small. "

The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one, " he announced, "will be $ 4.80. "

The customer smiled, "I'll take them both. "

聪明的顾客

屠夫把最后一块烤肉放在磅秤上。“3元9角5分，”他对顾客说。

“这块太小。”

狡猾的屠夫把烤肉放回冰箱里，过了一会儿，又将它取了出来。“这块，”他吆喝道，“4元8角。”

顾客笑道：“两块我都要了。”

8.Sudden Realization

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place. "

恍然大悟

两个少年去参观一家当代艺术美术馆，发现在现代雕塑的一间展室里只有他们两人。看着那些扭曲的铁管、破碎的玻璃和杂乱的形状，其中一个说道：“咱们出去吧，别让人家以为是咱们把这儿糟踏成这个样子的。”

9.Full Name

"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you, Rosalie? " Mother asked the first-grader.

"His name is Jimmy, " Rosalie answered.

"Jimmy who? " asked Mother.

"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown, " said Rosalie, "that's what the teacher calls him. "

全名

“罗莎莉，知道你后面坐的小男孩叫什么吗？”妈妈问上一年级的女儿。

“他叫吉米，”罗莎莉答道。

“吉米什么？”妈妈追问道。

“他的全名叫吉米·坐下，”罗莎莉说，“老师就那么叫他的。”

10.Not That Bad

"It looks like a bad storm is coming up, " said the hostess, "you'd better stay for dinner. "

"Oh, thanks, " said the guest absently, "but I don't think it will be that bad. "

还不至于如此

“看来要下暴雨了，”女主人说，“你还是留下来吃晚饭吧。”

“谢谢，”客人心不再焉地回答道，“但我看还不至于如此。”

11.Result Of Laziness

A teacher asked a class to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness. "

And what a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.

懒惰的结果

老师要求学生写一篇作文，题目是“懒惰的结果。”

班上一个男孩既懒又聪明，他交上来的只是一张白纸。

12.Only One Who Could Answer

His name was Johnny, and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried. "What is wrong? " She finally asked. Out of his trousers pocket, Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said, "Johnny has been a very naughty boy. Please have a serious talk with him. "

"What did you do? " asked Mother.

"Nothing, " sobbed Johnny, "except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it. "

"H'm , " murmured Mother, "what was the question? "

"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer? " answered Johnny.

只有他能答得出

一天，约翰尼放学回家后脸色特别难看，他妈妈非常焦急。“怎么啦？”她问道。约翰尼从裤兜里掏出老师的一张便条，上面写着：“约翰尼这孩子非常调皮，请认真地和他谈谈。”

“你干什么了？”妈妈问道。

“没什么，”约翰尼抽泣道，“就是老师问了一个问题，只有我答得出。”

“嗯，”妈妈沉吟道，“那是什么问题呢？”

“是谁把死耗子放在我抽屉里的？”约翰尼答道。

13.What Lincoln Did?

Father: Get up, son. When Lincoln was your age, do you know what he was doing?

Son: No, Dad, I don't. But I do know what he was doing when he was your age.

林肯在干什么？

父亲：儿子，快起床。林肯在你这么大年龄的时候，你知道他在干什么吗？

儿子：不知道，不过我确实知道他在你那么大年纪时在干什么。

14.Good Answer

Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said, "Now, I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk. "

The applicant responded, "I'm your man, sir. Can I have my salary in advance? "

妙答

在招聘司机面试时，主考人说道：“我所需要的，是一个十分小心的司机，绝对不冒任何危险。”

应试者答道：“先生，我正是你要的人。我能预支工资吗？”

15.Hint

Leaving a plush dinner club one night, a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir , just remember that you didn't pull it out here. "

暗示

一天晚上，在离开一家豪华的餐馆俱乐部时，一位吝啬的先生大摇大摆地从服务员身边径直走过而没有给小费。

尽管如此，服务员还是潇洒地把那个人送进车里，并愉快地说道：“顺便说一句，如果你在回家的路上碰巧丢了钱包，千万记住，你没在这儿掏过。”

16.Good Reason

First mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?

Second mechanic: I like fabrics. Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.

好理由

修理工甲：汽车里的车套你喜欢哪种，皮革的还是化纤的？

修理工乙：化纤的。皮革的擦手太硬了。

17.Postage

If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep raising the price of postage?

邮费

如果这个世界真的是越来越小，那为什么邮费总是在涨？

18.Dumb Action

The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every student except Willie began writing immediately.

Willie sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.

"How is this , Willie? " asked the teacher. "Is this your essay? All the other pupils have written two sheets or more while you haven't done anything!"

"Well, " replied Willie, "that's what I'd do if I had a million dollar!"

哑剧

老师让学生写篇作文，谈谈他们如果有100万美元会干什么。所有的学生立刻写了起来，威利却不然。

他坐着发呆，搓着手指头，盯着天花板上的苍蝇。

“怎么了，威利？”老师问道。“你就这样写作文吗？其他同学都写了2页或更多了，而你什么都没干！”

“是啊，”威利应道，“我要是有100万美元的话，那就是这个样子。”

19.Reason

A mother asked her son who had just returned from a youth group's car-washing project, "What was the least amount anyone paid you? "

He replied, "One man gave us just fifty cents. "

His mother said, "That's not very much. "

"I know, " he explained, "but maybe it's because we hosed his car before the windows were rolled up. "

原因

儿子参加少年洗车小组活动回来后，妈妈问道：“钱给得最少的是多少？”

他答道：“有个人只给了5毛钱。”

妈妈说：“是不多。”

“我知道不多，”儿子解释道，“或许是由于他还没摇上窗户，我们就开始冲水的缘故。”

20.Typical

A wife was telling her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband, "I did everything wrong on the trip. I talked too loud, I made too much noise, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did. "

典型的

一位妻子正向邻居谈她和丈夫的钓鱼之行：“我一路上尽出错。我说话声音太高，弄出的响声太大，我用错了鱼饵，起钩太早，可我抓到的鱼比他多。”

21.Fond Of Him

"I suppose the baby is fond of you, " said the visitor to the new father.

"Fond of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home and stays up all night to enjoy my company, " answered the proud father.

偏爱

“看来宝宝挺喜欢你的，”客人对刚当上爸爸的主人说道。

“喜欢？可不，我不在家的时候他整天睡觉，然后整晚不睡让我陪着他，”自豪的父亲答道。

22.A Long Time

Greta Garbo was invited to a Hollywood dinner which was attended also by Dr. Albert Einstein. Having some vague idea as to Dr. Einstein's status, Greta turned to him during the dinner and remarked, "Doctor, I understand that you have a great theory. Won't you please explain it all to me? "

"My dear lady, " said Einstein, "I' m afraid there will not be time enough during the dinner to explain the theory of relativity, but perhaps I can tell you about the law of gravitation, which is really a prerequisite. "

So Dr. Einstein went on to tell her all about the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences. Upon the conclusion of his discourse, Greta seemed very impressed and said to him, "Well, for goodness' sake, Doctor, how long has this been going on? "

许久

格丽泰·嘉宝应邀出席好莱坞晚宴，阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦博士也在场。格丽泰对爱因斯坦博士的身份有些模糊印象，因而就在席间转向他说道：“博士，好像你有一个伟大的理论。能否请你解释一遍？”

爱因斯坦说：“亲爱的女士，这会儿解释相对论恐怕时间不够。不过或许我可以给你讲讲引力定律，这其实是个前提条件。”

接着爱因斯坦博士就开始向她讲解引力现象及其后果。听完讲解之后，格丽泰似乎很受启发，对他说道：“天哪，博士，这一现象出现多久了？”

23.Not Fair

Two fishermen sitting on a bridge, their lines in the water, made a bet as to who would catch the first fish. One of them got a bite on his line and got so excited that he fell off the bridge.

"Oh, well, " said the other, "if you're going to dive for them, the bet's off!"

不公平

两个垂钓者坐在桥上，鱼线在水里漂着，他们打赌看谁能先钓到鱼。其中一个发现鱼咬了钩，因过于激动竟掉下桥去。

“哎，”另一个说道，“如果你下水摸鱼，这个赌就没法打了！”

24.Football

Seeing his first American football game, the Englishman watched one of the teams go into a huddle.

"What do you think of it? " asked his American friend.

"It's not a bad sport, " he observed, "but they have too many committee meetings. "

橄榄球

一个英国人第一次看橄榄球比赛，发现其中一个队挤成一团。

“你觉得怎么样？”他的美国朋友问道。

“这种运动不错，”他评论道，“就是他们的碰头会开得太多。”

25.Doctor And Mechanic

Doctor Smith phoned Mike, his mechanic, in middle of the night and said, "It's my engine again, Mike. I can't get it started. That car is one big headache! "

"Well, Doctor, take two aspirins and phone me again in the moring. "

医生和修理工

史密斯大夫半夜里打电话给他的汽车修理工迈克说：“又是我汽车发动机的问题，迈克。我发动不了，这车子真是让人头痛！”

“那么，大夫，吃两片阿斯匹林吧，明天早上再打电话给我。”

26.Walking Dog

The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large, shaggy dog. "Where are you taking him? " he was asked.

"I don't know yet, " the lad replied, "but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go, I'm going to take him there. "

遛狗

一个小男孩正学大人模样，费力地牵着一条长毛大狗。“带它去哪儿啊？”有人问他。

“还不知道呢，”小孩答道，“但如果狗想好了去哪儿，我就带它去哪儿。”

27.Who For Whom

Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday, the small boy wanted to know, "Is he for me, or am I for him ?"

谁给谁

小男孩生日时得到一条纽芬兰狗。狗的块头令他害怕不已，便问道：“是把它给我呢，还是把我给它？”

28.Keep It Confidential

"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion? "

"Sure we do -- but I don't tell her about it. "

保密

“你和你妻子从来没有过不同意见吗？”

“当然有——但我不告诉她。”

29.Stranger

A young mother put her two children to bed, then changed into an oversized sweat shirt and an old pair of blue jeans and proceeded to wash her hair. All during the shampoo she could hear the youngsters growing wilder and noisier.

She finished as quickly as she could, wrapped a large towel around her head, stormed into the children's room and put them back to bed with a stern warning to stay there.

As she left she heard her two-year-old say to his brother in a trembling voice, "who was that? "

陌生人

年轻的妈妈把两个孩子安顿在床上，换上一件肥大的汗衫和一条旧牛仔裤，开始洗头。刚在头上倒上香波，她听到两个小家伙闹得越来越凶了。

她匆忙洗完头，头上裹了条大毛巾，冲进孩子们的房间，把他们放回床上，厉声警告他们呆在那儿。

当她离开时，她听到自己两岁的孩子用颤抖的声音问自己的哥哥：“那是谁？”

30.Inflation

"With the high price of food, my shopping habits have changed, " commented the housewife, "now I fill the shopping cart with money and put the food in my purse. "

通货膨胀

“食品涨价后，我的购物习惯也变了，”家庭主妇评说道，“现在我用购物车装钱，用钱包装食品。”

33.Salesmanship

The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies. "Why do you want to see me? " he asked.

"Because you are so handsome, " smiled one little girl.

He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring, "There is no brighter sales tool than truth. "

推销术

几名销售糕点的女童子军找到销售经理。他问道：“你们为何要见我？”

“因为你长得帅，”一个小女孩笑着说道。

他买了12盒，回到自己的办公桌前，自言自语地说道：“没有比说真话更聪明的推销手段了。”

35.Accurate

He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.

"I don't want you to think, " roared the great man, "I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them, neither adding nor leaving out anything I may say. "

Later in the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:

"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "y" , though that's pure swank on his part. In answer to your letter of--look up the date. We can quote you--tell me, Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well. We can quote you $ 50 a ton for the goods. If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand, for I don't trust him. Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order, yours faithfully."

精确

他发现了秘书把他口述的一封信的句子作了调整。

“我不需要你有思想，”这位大人物吼道，“我只需要你准确地记下我的话，然后打出来——不要在我说的话里增删任何东西。”

当天下午，打字员送回来如下的一封信：

“亲爱的史米斯：把‘密’改成‘米’，就他喜欢出风头。兹复——查查日期——来函。我们可以向你报价——告诉我，沃尔特，我们最高可以向这个老贪虫开什么价？很好。我们可以向你报价50美元每吨货。如果他接受了，我们得先确保咱们先拿到钱，因为我不信任他。恭候佳音。你诚挚的。”

38.It Changed Him

"I'm glad to find you as you were, "said the old friend. "Your wealth hasn't changed you. "

"Well, " replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now‘ eccentric’ where I used to be impolite, and ‘delightfully witty’ where I used to be rude. "

改变

“我很高兴你还是老样子，”老朋友说道，“你的财富并没有改变你。”

率直的百万富翁答道：“还是变了一点：过去的无礼成了现在的‘与众不同’，过去的粗鲁成了现在的‘机敏’。”

39.Specialty

First surgeon (leaving operating room):That was close!

Second surgeon: What do you mean?

First surgeon: An inch either way and I would have been out of my specialty.

专业

第一个外科大夫（正要离开手术室）：真玄哪！

第二个外科大夫：怎么啦？

第一个外科大夫：无论向哪边超出1英寸，我就越出自己的专业了。

40.A Problem

The new minister's family was presented with a pie baked by one of the congregation who was a rather poor cook. The pie was inedible, so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.

The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady, while at the same time being truthful. After much thought, he sent the following note:

"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house! "

头疼事

新牧师收到一份馅饼礼品，是教区1名技术欠佳的人烤的。馅饼无法食用，因此牧师的妻子只好将它扔进了垃圾桶。

牧师面临的问题是，既要感谢那位女士，同时又要说真话。绞尽脑汁之后，他送去这样一张便条：

“亲爱的琼斯夫人：感谢你的好意和周到。我可以向你保证，像你馈赠的那种馅饼在我家从来就搁不住！”

42.Her Prayer

Louise, a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household, went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.

One evening, after a trying day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual, she said her evening prayer. As the aunt passed the bedroom door, she heard, "…and please, make all the bad people good, and the good people a little easier to live with. "

她的祷告

过惯了逍遥自在生活的小女孩路易丝，到她非常严厉的姨妈家过了几天。

一天，她因为一些小事受到比平时更多的训斥。在难熬的白天过后，她做了晚祷告。当姨妈从她的卧室门口经过时，她听到：“……还有，请一定让所有的坏人都变好，让好人好处一些。”